If you’ve looked at the first and second installments of my series on writers’ jealousy, you’ll recall that I encouraged you to stay calm about the experience of jealousy, and to reconnect with your ethical “core” values and beliefs so that you can behave well, even if you’re feeling jealous.
Those learned or natural behaviors will go a long way towards transforming jealousy into a positive experience that will allow you to become motived and inspired, rather than dead-ended.
But to seriously “energize” yourself and to transform the usual triggers for jealousy into motivating, inspiring events,you may want to change how you think.
That means learning to dispute your negative, or pessimistic thinking.
And the benefits of doing so are huge.
Disputing is drastically different than pep talks or affirmations. Disputing requires searching for what is true versus what feels true.
Disputing can be learned and if you are willing to practice it, can permanently change how you think about negative experiences.
And why shouldn’t you try? After all, we go towards negative self-talk not because it’s true, but because it’s awful (and for many of us, oh, so familiar!) 
Yet most of us already have the skills to argue with our pessimistic attitudes, because as Martin Seligman, Ph.D. says in his now-classic LEARNED OPTIMISM, we use those skills when we argue with other people.
Here they are:
- What is the evidence?
- What are the alternatives?
- What are the implications?
- What is the usefulness?
I’ll use an example of disputing a typical “jealous” response, so you can see how this works. For reference, and for your own learning, I’m using the ABCDE technique that has evolved from cognitive therapy that I detail in this post.
NOTE: This is an expanded post, because I hate to leave you hanging in the middle of a dispute! Future posts will examine each of the techniques in greater detail, so this won’t be the last opportunity you have to understand them!
So let’s kick back and begin. For the sake of argument – picture this person as you:
A (the “adverse” event): Someone you know gets a book contract.
B (your belief about the event – i.e., what you say to yourself): “Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”
C (consequences of “B”): rumination, depression, less energy focused on your work, etc.?
D (your dispute – so this is where I go to those four bullet-points above):
- Evidence that disputes the truth of the negative statements:
It isn’t me: because my book is: a) not finished b) waiting to be read; c) not found its match yet (feel free to add more possibilities here)
It isn’t fair: because life and the writing business is not always “fair”
I work so hard: I may work hard, but that is not the only factor that matters in getting a book contract, even though it is one of the few things that I can control.
This always happens to me: It actually happens to everyone, published or unpublished, every time someone else gets a contract. Otherwise, only one person would ever be published!
- Alternatives to the negative self-talk: this requires looking for less destructive ways of looking at the situation, focusing on what you control, what you can change, detailed specifics non-personal causes.
It isn’t me: If I focus on creating a fabulous ms. and making opportunities for myself, it may be me one day.
It isn’t fair: ‘Fair’ has very little meaning in the game of life or any of life’s sub-categories, such as work and relationships.
I work so hard: I actually think there are times I could work harder.
This always happens to me: Hmm. See “Evidence” statement.
- Implications in case your negative belief about yourself happens to be correct, you’ll want to decatastrophize.
It isn’t me: I’m going to do everything I can to try to make it “me” one of these days.
It isn’t fair: Okay, I get it: life isn’t fair.
I work so hard: There are really some other things I could do to improve the quality of my work. These things are:……
This always happens to me: Things like this happen, and it’s simply part of the tapestry of the business I’m in.
- Usefulness: is your negative or pessimistic belief about the jealousy-trigger helpful or destructive? I’m betting you can find ways it’s destructive, and therefore not useful to you as a writer.
It’s distracting
It’s a time-waster
It’s an energy-drainer
It keeps me from working on what I can control – my own work
With all this generated rational information, you could probably come up with a statement that gives you a heartfelt alternative to “Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”
Here are some:
- “This person has worked hard and deserves success. I hope that if I continue to work hard, I’ll have the same experience, and get a book contract. If I do, I’ll certainly want people to share my joy, rather than being resentful.
- I think there are some additional things I might do to improve my chances, including _______________________.
- I really admire how this person ________________________and ______________. He kept his mind on his goal, and revised over and over until he had a gem to send out. I want to be able to do the same thing, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to.
- He has a way of ______________________in his writing that is really amazing. I want to try to do the same thing in mine as I revise – it will take my ms. up a notch, for sure.
- Spending my time feeling jealous is really draining, and just distracts me from the work I want to do. So I think I’ll email him, and express my joy for his success, then get back to work.”
THE CRUCIAL ISSUE:
Even if the negative and positive words don’t feel like “you”, experiment with them: read them aloud and notice the emotional, even visceral, impact of each:
“Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”
How do you feel hearing that?
Now try these:
- “This person has worked hard and deserves success. I hope that if I continue to work hard, I’ll have the same experience, and get a book contract. If I do, I’ll certainly want people to share my joy, rather than being resentful.
- I think there are some additional things I might do to improve my chances, including _______________________.
- I really admire how this person ________________________and ______________. He kept his mind on his goal, and revised over and over until he had a gem to send out. I want to be able to do the same thing, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to.
- He has a way of ______________________in his writing that is really amazing. I want to try to do the same thing in mine as I revise – it will take my ms. up a notch, for sure.
- Spending my time feeling jealous is really draining, and just distracts me from the work I want to do. So I think I’ll email him, and express my joy for his success, then get back to work.”
What’s the emotional impact of talking to yourself in those ways?
THE POINT: Negativity drains you and closes your brain. Positivity, learned or natural, energizes and opens you to possibilities.
Worth the effort, no? Care to share your own disputes? I’d love to hear them!
Coming in the next month…Some techniques for practicing your disputes!