The first post in my series on how to handle jealousy with positivity encourages you to accept the feeling as natural and normal. For some of you, that will help jealousy pass.
For others of you, the feeling will stay uncomfortable and inconvenient, putting a roadblock in the way of your own writing.
You may have noticed that optimistic-leaning writers respond to others’ successes differently. They may say things like, “Oh, I’m so jealous!” but ultimately they see others’ successes as encouraging, inspiring and exciting.
You can, too.
If you’ve been following The Irrepressible Writer, you may be familiar with the technique of using the skill of disputation to change your thinking, and subsequently your feelings.
But you might want to take this second step before you do.
Explore and then rely on your core values, beliefs and strengths. Connecting to them will enable you to act and speak in the way you’d want others to act and speak towards you if you were the one who got a book contract, won a contest, got some kind of recognition as a writer.
Whatever your ethical or spiritual framework, use it to help yourself in this situation.
Maybe you still feel jealous? So what? You can still act in a generous, caring and celebratory way.
You simply need to learn how to harness your strengths, values, beliefs and brain-power to create a more optimistic framework for yourself. Then, when you’re feeling vulnerable, you’ll have very specific tools that provide rational – and very real – comfort and an opportunity to change how you feel.
Does this feel fake or fraudulent?
I encourage you not to think so. Remember that you’re trying to access your own inborn or learned values. If you’re curious about your strengths and values, take the online test at Martin Seligman’s site.
Whatever your ethical or spiritual framework, doing the right thing towards others can have a powerful impact on you, as well. Chances are you feel better than you would if you withhold congratulatory responses because you’re feeling too jealous.
And when you feel a bit better, you’ll really be ready to dispute your language of jealousy, and create heartfelt statements that will turn jealousy into inspiration.
What are your core values, beliefs and strengths that can help you come up with some reliable statements or actions when you’re feeling jealous?
I think it’s very important to put forth good energy as you’re describing. You have to be there for your friends and writing community, even when it’s difficult. You can look at this as investing in your own future. After all, if you’re not there for others, how can you expect them to be there for you when your time comes?
Sometimes it’s just too painful, and then I think it’s good to take a break. Offer your congratulations, then go do something to distract yourself. Take a break from their blog, etc. until you can participate in their life without it being too painful.
One thing I’ve discovered is that having a personal connection to the successful person helps eliminate the jealousy. I’ve heard about people who had insanely unrealistic luck, and it was hard not to resent that. But when I spent time with those people, I found so much to like about them that I couldn’t go on resenting them. It’s a lot harder to be jealous of a friend than a stranger.
Thanks, as always, for your comments, Lisa. I’ll actually be writing about “distraction” as a healthy alternative to rumination in the near future.
Your thoughts about having the personal connection is interesting. I wonder how that feels to others. If you’re reading this, does not knowing someone make the jealousy worse? Does having a relationship make it less worse?