If you’ve looked at the first and second installments of my series on writers’ jealousy, you’ll recall that I encouraged you to stay calm about the experience of jealousy, and to reconnect with your ethical “core” values and beliefs so that you can behave well, even if you’re feeling jealous.
Those learned or natural behaviors will go a long way towards transforming jealousy into a positive experience that will allow you to become motived and inspired, rather than dead-ended.
But to seriously “energize” yourself and to transform the usual triggers for jealousy into motivating, inspiring events,you may want to change how you think.
That means learning to dispute your negative, or pessimistic thinking.
And the benefits of doing so are huge.
Disputing is drastically different than pep talks or affirmations. Disputing requires searching for what is true versus what feels true.
Disputing can be learned and if you are willing to practice it, can permanently change how you think about negative experiences.
And why shouldn’t you try? After all, we go towards negative self-talk not because it’s true, but because it’s awful (and for many of us, oh, so familiar!) 
Yet most of us already have the skills to argue with our pessimistic attitudes, because as Martin Seligman, Ph.D. says in his now-classic LEARNED OPTIMISM, we use those skills when we argue with other people.
Here they are:
- What is the evidence?
- What are the alternatives?
- What are the implications?
- What is the usefulness?
I’ll use an example of disputing a typical “jealous” response, so you can see how this works. For reference, and for your own learning, I’m using the ABCDE technique that has evolved from cognitive therapy that I detail in this post.
NOTE: This is an expanded post, because I hate to leave you hanging in the middle of a dispute! Future posts will examine each of the techniques in greater detail, so this won’t be the last opportunity you have to understand them!
So let’s kick back and begin. For the sake of argument – picture this person as you:
A (the “adverse” event): Someone you know gets a book contract.
B (your belief about the event – i.e., what you say to yourself): “Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”
C (consequences of “B”): rumination, depression, less energy focused on your work, etc.?
D (your dispute – so this is where I go to those four bullet-points above):
- Evidence that disputes the truth of the negative statements:
It isn’t me: because my book is: a) not finished b) waiting to be read; c) not found its match yet (feel free to add more possibilities here)
It isn’t fair: because life and the writing business is not always “fair”
I work so hard: I may work hard, but that is not the only factor that matters in getting a book contract, even though it is one of the few things that I can control.
This always happens to me: It actually happens to everyone, published or unpublished, every time someone else gets a contract. Otherwise, only one person would ever be published!
- Alternatives to the negative self-talk: this requires looking for less destructive ways of looking at the situation, focusing on what you control, what you can change, detailed specifics non-personal causes.
It isn’t me: If I focus on creating a fabulous ms. and making opportunities for myself, it may be me one day.
It isn’t fair: ‘Fair’ has very little meaning in the game of life or any of life’s sub-categories, such as work and relationships.
I work so hard: I actually think there are times I could work harder.
This always happens to me: Hmm. See “Evidence” statement.
- Implications in case your negative belief about yourself happens to be correct, you’ll want to decatastrophize.
It isn’t me: I’m going to do everything I can to try to make it “me” one of these days.
It isn’t fair: Okay, I get it: life isn’t fair.
I work so hard: There are really some other things I could do to improve the quality of my work. These things are:……
This always happens to me: Things like this happen, and it’s simply part of the tapestry of the business I’m in.
- Usefulness: is your negative or pessimistic belief about the jealousy-trigger helpful or destructive? I’m betting you can find ways it’s destructive, and therefore not useful to you as a writer.
It’s distracting
It’s a time-waster
It’s an energy-drainer
It keeps me from working on what I can control – my own work
With all this generated rational information, you could probably come up with a statement that gives you a heartfelt alternative to “Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”
Here are some:
- “This person has worked hard and deserves success. I hope that if I continue to work hard, I’ll have the same experience, and get a book contract. If I do, I’ll certainly want people to share my joy, rather than being resentful.
- I think there are some additional things I might do to improve my chances, including _______________________.
- I really admire how this person ________________________and ______________. He kept his mind on his goal, and revised over and over until he had a gem to send out. I want to be able to do the same thing, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to.
- He has a way of ______________________in his writing that is really amazing. I want to try to do the same thing in mine as I revise – it will take my ms. up a notch, for sure.
- Spending my time feeling jealous is really draining, and just distracts me from the work I want to do. So I think I’ll email him, and express my joy for his success, then get back to work.”
THE CRUCIAL ISSUE:
Even if the negative and positive words don’t feel like “you”, experiment with them: read them aloud and notice the emotional, even visceral, impact of each:
“Why isn’t it me? This isn’t fair! I work so hard. This always happens to me!”
How do you feel hearing that?
Now try these:
- “This person has worked hard and deserves success. I hope that if I continue to work hard, I’ll have the same experience, and get a book contract. If I do, I’ll certainly want people to share my joy, rather than being resentful.
- I think there are some additional things I might do to improve my chances, including _______________________.
- I really admire how this person ________________________and ______________. He kept his mind on his goal, and revised over and over until he had a gem to send out. I want to be able to do the same thing, and there’s no reason I shouldn’t be able to.
- He has a way of ______________________in his writing that is really amazing. I want to try to do the same thing in mine as I revise – it will take my ms. up a notch, for sure.
- Spending my time feeling jealous is really draining, and just distracts me from the work I want to do. So I think I’ll email him, and express my joy for his success, then get back to work.”
What’s the emotional impact of talking to yourself in those ways?
THE POINT: Negativity drains you and closes your brain. Positivity, learned or natural, energizes and opens you to possibilities.
Worth the effort, no? Care to share your own disputes? I’d love to hear them!
Coming in the next month…Some techniques for practicing your disputes!
I agree that it’s important to address our negative self-talk. But one problem I have is examining these things too closely and doubting the things I’ve done right. When you’re questioning whether you could have worked harder, it’s difficult to be objective.
At what point have you worked the hardest you could have? When you don’t spend even a second of your free time on anything else? My friends will tell you I’ve worked harder than anyone they know. My husband gets frustrated with my obsessiveness. And yet I can’t say I’ve truly worked the hardest I could, simply because that’s such a difficult thing to quantify.
Also, if someone (anyone) says I’ve failed in some aspect of my writing, I find it almost impossible not to question even the things I know I’ve mastered.
This isn’t to say you aren’t right on with all that you’ve said, just that sometimes you need to be able to recognize that it’s not about you or your abilities, but about the quirky nature of the universe and the market. Sometimes you just have to let go and say that’s simply the way it is.
Hi, Lisa:
I absolutely agree with what you’re saying…and I don’t think you’re actually disagreeing with me! There’s no question that there’s so much out of our control in the business of writing. Here’s why I think we’re really saying the same thing…
Your concern – that if we look too closely we’ll just end up yelling at ourselves – becomes a reality when we give in to the tendency (that unfortunately abounds in our culture) to look at ourselves “too closely” or too analytically in a way that is harsh and loaded with “pessimistic explanatory style”.
But – as Seligman recommends, and I can absolutely validate from many years of work with clients – when we can look at our behavior honestly and gently (with positivity, in other words), we are more likely to look at what possibilities exist for change or moving ahead – when they really do exist – rather than always believing that we aren’t doing “enough.”
Using the example you refer to of “Could I have worked harder?” you want to try very hard to be objective, rather than assuming the question implies that you “fell short” in some way…When you are objective, you have an option to answer the question, “Yes. Yes, I think I have worked as hard as I’m able to [and by the way, this doesn't necessarily imply writing every minute of every day!]. I have exhausted my options for making my work as good as it can be, and I simply need to keep getting it out there. Keep trying. Keep reminding myself that many, many writers have endured many, many rejections.”
On the other hand, a gentle but honest look at your negative self-talk could allow you to say, without shame or feeling that you’re bad in some way, that perhaps you might be able to do more. I think there’s a huge difference, for example, in being able to say, “You know, I worked as hard as I could during the past few weeks when ____________ was going on in my life. But this week, I have to say, I suppose I could have been working on my manuscript instead of tweeting/watching a movie/staring at the tv. So I need to ask myself – did I need that social and/or relaxation time? or could I have been avoiding a difficult place in my manuscript?”
Nudging ourselves to be the best we can be is a compromise between sitting back and accepting that “whatever I do, I do” and becoming a harsh self-critic to whom you’re never good enough.
The best we can do changes every day. Only we know what that truly is. And I’m hoping to convey that assessing yourself with some neutrality and gentleness will help you tell yourself the truth (and stop paying attention to what others may see or think!) about what you can and can’t do…And to deal with your well-stated reality, that our business is full of quirks and uncontrollable events.
Hi, I really love the way you look at a person’s thinking and look at alternative ways to think.
I have a few thoughts as to how to let new thinking become available to a person, though. As someone who has had listening partners now for the past year, I have found that being able to have a tantrum when something is not fair releases the feelings around that. Being able to cry when I feel a sense of hopelessness around my writing not being paid for, not having a contract yet, having a good shout or hitting a pillow when I feel jealous or angry that someone else got a contract and not me etc, releases those feelings – all with a loving person listening. Not offering advice at all.
Often I have found that once I have been given the opportunity to have someone listen while I discharge my feelings, I think clearly and intelligently and with great zest about the various situations I have in my life.
‘It’s not fair’ is a standard piece of material that is begging for the body to let it howl, and shake and get on the floor and put your feet in the air, just like you see kids doing. if you allow kids to discharge feelings in their natural way, rather than trying to stop them, you’ll notice that they are doing exactly what is healthy for them..
Though I love Martin Seligman’s work and believe it’s great to challenge our pessismistic thinking, some patterns are dug in and don’t shift until we allow ourselves to get the feelings shed with a loving listener. I spent ten years trying to use positive thinking and challenging my thought processes. It worked to a degree, but much better when it was used in tandem with listening partners.
Thanks for your blog; I love reading it.
Hi, Jedda:
Thanks so much for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts and feelings.
I absolutely agree that feelings are crucial. There are few natural optimists who would tell you that they don’t feel discouraged, hurt, upset, etc., when “bad stuff happens.” And certainly not “learned optimists”, either.
Having feelings, and sometimes letting them out in a safe and loving atmosphere, is simply part of being human. I’ve never seen Seligman’s – or any other positive psychologist’s – work as an “antidote” to feeling…In fact, it’s a tool for dealing with the negative response to feelings, which then just de-energizes and depresses us. It’s absolutely crucial, as you say, to let ourselves have the feelings we have…I think disputing our negative beliefs comes in when we experience prolonged periods of negative feelings that keep us from being as productive as we might want, rather than letting the negative response be transient.
Thanks so much for following the blog! I’ll look forward to your comments in the future!
“This always happens to me: It actually happens to everyone, published or unpublished, every time someone else gets a contract. Otherwise, only one person would ever be published!”
I think this is my favorite of all your wonderful comments in this post. This gives me billions of people to focus on instead of myself.
Thanks, Scotti….There’s a wonderful comment, the origin of which I’ve forgotten and won’t rediscover until I read the Jewish High Holiday liturgy at my synagogue again this fall: it reminds us that in one pocket we find the reminder, “You are everything” and in the other, “You are nothing.” I enjoy, as you say, being reminded gently that I am, though individually special, simply one of the crowd.