I think this is my favorite of all your wonderful comments in this post. This gives me billions of people to focus on instead of myself.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond and share your thoughts and feelings.

I absolutely agree that feelings are crucial. There are few natural optimists who would tell you that they don’t feel discouraged, hurt, upset, etc., when “bad stuff happens.” And certainly not “learned optimists”, either.

Having feelings, and sometimes letting them out in a safe and loving atmosphere, is simply part of being human. I’ve never seen Seligman’s – or any other positive psychologist’s – work as an “antidote” to feeling…In fact, it’s a tool for dealing with the negative response to feelings, which then just de-energizes and depresses us. It’s absolutely crucial, as you say, to let ourselves have the feelings we have…I think disputing our negative beliefs comes in when we experience prolonged periods of negative feelings that keep us from being as productive as we might want, rather than letting the negative response be transient.

Thanks so much for following the blog! I’ll look forward to your comments in the future!

I have a few thoughts as to how to let new thinking become available to a person, though. As someone who has had listening partners now for the past year, I have found that being able to have a tantrum when something is not fair releases the feelings around that. Being able to cry when I feel a sense of hopelessness around my writing not being paid for, not having a contract yet, having a good shout or hitting a pillow when I feel jealous or angry that someone else got a contract and not me etc, releases those feelings – all with a loving person listening. Not offering advice at all.

Often I have found that once I have been given the opportunity to have someone listen while I discharge my feelings, I think clearly and intelligently and with great zest about the various situations I have in my life.

‘It’s not fair’ is a standard piece of material that is begging for the body to let it howl, and shake and get on the floor and put your feet in the air, just like you see kids doing. if you allow kids to discharge feelings in their natural way, rather than trying to stop them, you’ll notice that they are doing exactly what is healthy for them..

Though I love Martin Seligman’s work and believe it’s great to challenge our pessismistic thinking, some patterns are dug in and don’t shift until we allow ourselves to get the feelings shed with a loving listener. I spent ten years trying to use positive thinking and challenging my thought processes. It worked to a degree, but much better when it was used in tandem with listening partners.

Thanks for your blog; I love reading it.

I absolutely agree with what you’re saying…and I don’t think you’re actually disagreeing with me! There’s no question that there’s so much out of our control in the business of writing. Here’s why I think we’re really saying the same thing…

Your concern – that if we look too closely we’ll just end up yelling at ourselves – becomes a reality when we give in to the tendency (that unfortunately abounds in our culture) to look at ourselves “too closely” or too analytically in a way that is harsh and loaded with “pessimistic explanatory style”.

But – as Seligman recommends, and I can absolutely validate from many years of work with clients – when we can look at our behavior honestly and gently (with positivity, in other words), we are more likely to look at what possibilities exist for change or moving ahead – when they really do exist – rather than always believing that we aren’t doing “enough.”

Using the example you refer to of “Could I have worked harder?” you want to try very hard to be objective, rather than assuming the question implies that you “fell short” in some way…When you are objective, you have an option to answer the question, “Yes. Yes, I think I have worked as hard as I’m able to [and by the way, this doesn't necessarily imply writing every minute of every day!]. I have exhausted my options for making my work as good as it can be, and I simply need to keep getting it out there. Keep trying. Keep reminding myself that many, many writers have endured many, many rejections.”

On the other hand, a gentle but honest look at your negative self-talk could allow you to say, without shame or feeling that you’re bad in some way, that perhaps you might be able to do more. I think there’s a huge difference, for example, in being able to say, “You know, I worked as hard as I could during the past few weeks when ____________ was going on in my life. But this week, I have to say, I suppose I could have been working on my manuscript instead of tweeting/watching a movie/staring at the tv. So I need to ask myself – did I need that social and/or relaxation time? or could I have been avoiding a difficult place in my manuscript?”

Nudging ourselves to be the best we can be is a compromise between sitting back and accepting that “whatever I do, I do” and becoming a harsh self-critic to whom you’re never good enough.

The best we can do changes every day. Only we know what that truly is. And I’m hoping to convey that assessing yourself with some neutrality and gentleness will help you tell yourself the truth (and stop paying attention to what others may see or think!) about what you can and can’t do…And to deal with your well-stated reality, that our business is full of quirks and uncontrollable events.

At what point have you worked the hardest you could have? When you don’t spend even a second of your free time on anything else? My friends will tell you I’ve worked harder than anyone they know. My husband gets frustrated with my obsessiveness. And yet I can’t say I’ve truly worked the hardest I could, simply because that’s such a difficult thing to quantify.

Also, if someone (anyone) says I’ve failed in some aspect of my writing, I find it almost impossible not to question even the things I know I’ve mastered.

This isn’t to say you aren’t right on with all that you’ve said, just that sometimes you need to be able to recognize that it’s not about you or your abilities, but about the quirky nature of the universe and the market. Sometimes you just have to let go and say that’s simply the way it is.