I’ve had more than one email that conveys to me the pain inherent in the writing life. And the question the emails ask is always the same: when should I quit?
If you’re a writer who’s faced self-doubt, failure, rejection, and despair you may know how difficult it becomes to maintain hope. Hope that someday someone will pay you for your writing and others will read your words and be moved and changed.
And you may know from your own experience, and this blog, the work it takes for many writers to create and keep resilience. That means not developing a “tough” skin (if you’re a reader of mine, you know I’m not big on “tough skin”) but an elastic one. An elastic mind, heart and soul that can (learn to) bounce back in the face of adversity.
It’s foolish to pretend that it doesn’t matter if we get published or not. But when it’s the only focus – as if it will end the negativity – it can become a driving force for even more negativity. And if it’s not happening soon enough for you, there’s no where to turn that negativity except on yourself.
You can’t learn to be more resilient because the only thing that matters is “the facts” – i.e., you’re not getting published and that’s “bad”. You can’t live in the moment and get satisfaction and meaning from your writer’s journey because publication is essential, psychologically or financially, or both.
One thing I’ve learned in my own writer’s journey is the absence of control I have over most factors necessary to publication. I’ve chosen to focus on the one thing I can absolutely control – the quality of my work.
And I’ve learned other facts. Most writers have income sources other than their writing, from a spouse and/or another profession or job. If you need an income from your writing, it’s incumbent upon you to explore freelance or contract possibilities.
I say this in the most caring way I’m able: tell yourself the truth about whether you might be feeling a little sorry for yourself…as if you deserve more than what you’re getting. There’s no shame in it; it’s normal. It’s just not helpful. And really? It’s not true. Nobody “deserves” or “doesn’t deserve.”
When we feel sorry for ourselves, we talk to ourselves in negative ways – and that just solidifies the closure on creativity, energy and action.
I’ll say it again: your brain reacts to how you talk to yourself.
So…If you think you should quit writing because you’re not getting published, you need to disconnect your writing from publication.
Do it by challenging yourself with this provocative question: If I knew for sure that I would never be published in any way, shape or form, would I stop writing?
If the answer is “no”, think or write about the following without ever referring to being published:
- Why must I write? What is inside me that absolutely must come out via the written word?
- How do I feel when and after writing?
- How do I feel when I don’t write for awhile? Why do I return to it?
These aren’t easy questions. They’re private, often intense. If you can’t answer them yourself, and you’re struggling with these issues, please reach out for help.
Because I think the only reason to quit is if you don’t have to write. If you need income, join the mobs of writers who work to bring in money and keep health insurance, and write in the wee hours of the morning, or late at night. The ability to tell yourself the truth about what you need to do should be a positive thing, not a self-punishment.
Nothing I’ve learned over all the years I’ve been alive, no way I’ve come to change or develop, has replaced the need to put what’s deep inside me into written words.
And it’s that knowledge – and trust of myself and my need to make sense of my inner world – that keeps me on this difficult and wonderful journey.
How about you?
Fantastic post, Carol! I had not heard the “elastic skin” comment before, and I love it. I think it is important to acknowledge and accept that rejection (in any form) hurts, and then to also acknowledge and accept that we need to rebound, heal, and move forward.
Thanks, Scotti. I actually just coined the term,”elastic”, as I was writing, but the concept has been there…I feel so strongly (and am gratified to hear your validation) that resilience doesn’t come from shielding oneself from negativity, but from the ability to feel, even feel deeply, the hurt that comes, and then rebound, using the obstacle, disappointment. There’s some general misunderstanding about the complex nature of “positivity”, as if it’s the absence of negativity. That’s why I think it’s probably a good idea to keep writing about the normalcy of the negative experience, and to get great comments such as yours!
Carol,
Excellent post. It comes to me at a perfect time when self-doubt and a desire to “give up” is particularly overwhelming. Over the years I’ve stopped trying to get published and write “for me.” Your blog post has me feeling I should change my perspective. Thanks for sharing this with me at this moment in my life.
Jeff. Thank you…It means a great deal to me to know this.
Winners never quit.
Quitters never win.
It should have one more line: Winners hurt just as much as quitters.
There is nothing else I would rather do with my time. So I keep writing. Regardless of the success and failure, the joy and the pain.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Michelle…
A wonderful, encouraging article! I love the phrase “elastic skin”, too. I’m happy to have discovered your blog, and look forward to reading more of your posts.
Thanks, Ruth! Welcome to The Irrepressible Writer…I’ll look forward to your thoughts and comments!